Gratitude isn't always enough
Jan. 5th, 2023 10:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rage_rekker3. Gratitude for something small.
A few weeks following this <-- Trigger warning for mental health
Rekker was doing well enough to be back home. Trapped in that apartment building had driven him crazy but he knew why his brothers insisted on it. He still had signs of the relapse even if the stitches had been removed a week ago. He'd have another set of scars to go with the ones that already criss crossed his arms. Bjorn was finally sleeping agin too. Once his mind came out of the fog the guilt over the sleepless, worried, and stressed Swede had nearly plunged him back into the darkness. He felt guilty about what feeling guilt would have done to him.
It was a terrible cycle of guilt and overwhelm that usually pulled him under like these past few weeks. As with every time before, the guitarist couldn't pin point what had triggered it or where it had started. By the time he noticed it he was already drowning. That too left a wave of guilt behind. Why couldn't he just learn to notice the signs before it was too late?
He rubbed his forearm, trying not to scratch at the healing wounds while letting out a few heavy sighs to reset his emotions, or try to anyway. The bedroom was full of sunlight when he came in and Bjorn, despite the warmth was completely covered in blankets except for the forearm out to hold the edge of the blankets over his head. Rekker always thought it was very boyish like a teenager that didn't want to get up for school.
He sat on the edge of the bed and ran his hand over the place on the sheet that looked like Bjorn's back. It caused shifting and grumbling under the blankets. Undeterred, Rekker leaned down and moved the blanket enough to peer under it at the bleary eyed Swede.
“Good morning, beautiful.”
Bjorn snapped the sheet shut and turned his head away like a spoiled brat. It was well into the afternoon so Rekker felt no guilt over harassing the Swede. He'd been sleeping over ten hours though the ginger is well aware of the emotional draining his mental health caused on others.
“I didn't know I was engaged to a vampire.” He jibbed at the hissing, grumbles from under the blanket while slowly pulling them down again.
“Bastard!” Bjorn scolded and started fighting to keep the blanket over his head however, the single escaped giggle told Rekker this was no longer a matter of sleepiness. Bjorn was doing this to torment him and have fun.
“Fine!” Rekker snapped and shifted enough to get his arms under Bjorn. The blonde flailed as he, and his blankets, were scooped up in to the ginger's lap. Rekker barely got him settled in his lap before Bjorn was hanging around his neck and nuzzling against his chest. Somehow, he had managed to keep the blankets over his head the whole time.
The Brit pulled the sheet up under his own head and noticed Bjorn was burying his face to hide the huge grin while he still attempted to grouch.
“You're perfect.” Rekker pulled him in tighter. “You don't know how many people have left me for … the things that happened.”
Rekker kissed the blonde's temple. “You're what I was looking for....”
Bjorn looked up shifted to lean his head on Rekker's shoulder. Bjorn's big, hazel eyes were all glassy looking. Rekker knew why. As much as Rekker had been left by others for who he was, Bjorn was treated like garbage for who he was and didn't have people to say the things they should have, or Rekker thought they should have.
“Thank you.” Rekker said it and saw the glassy eyes turn to full on tears rolling down the Swede's cheek. He kissed those damp cheeks. “If wading through all those others was what it took to get to you.. it was worth it.”
It was worth his life and right now, he realized it was Bjorn that kept pulling him back and he knew the Swede was the one there learning how to care for him when he relapsed into his self loathing and self destructiveness. Bjorn was clinging to him and Rekker nuzzled into the blonde hair.
“No, tears.” He stroked Bjorn's back. “Or you'll be complaining about puffy eyes when you get dressed so I can take you to dinner.”
The Swede deserved it. Deserved something for the hell Rekker knew he had put him through already. It would never be enough to make up for what he had done, but this was a start. Bjorn was rubbing his eyes with the sheet, blinking against the light and confused.
“I got you a couple outfits while you were asleep.” Rekker mentioned. He had gone out with Martyn earlier because he honestly didn't trust himself alone yet, nor did anyone else. “I'm not having my fiancé look like trash on a red carpet.”
Truth was, tonight was one of the things that had fueled the mental stress. This was the first music award event he had been invited to where it had specifically requested him and his fiancé. While Rekker's mind wandered on the stress Bjorn was waking up and catching up.
“Red carpet?” The Swede asked with a tone somewhere between apprehension and building excitement.
“The pre-ceremony reception for the music awards?” Rekker mentioned and honestly couldn't even recall if he told Bjorn they had been invited before everything went to shit. The Brit could feel the singer starting to vibrate with energy. Apparently, he hadn't because Bjorn suddenly squealed and bounced out of his lap yammering something in Swedish as he went for the bags sitting on the dresser. The screaming would start soon over the designer clothes traditional in the American glam scene and his hair would probably get pulled on but the happiness was what he needed around him. It was one of the things that made Bjorn perfect even if it annoyed other people to near hatred at times.
A few weeks following this <-- Trigger warning for mental health
Rekker was doing well enough to be back home. Trapped in that apartment building had driven him crazy but he knew why his brothers insisted on it. He still had signs of the relapse even if the stitches had been removed a week ago. He'd have another set of scars to go with the ones that already criss crossed his arms. Bjorn was finally sleeping agin too. Once his mind came out of the fog the guilt over the sleepless, worried, and stressed Swede had nearly plunged him back into the darkness. He felt guilty about what feeling guilt would have done to him.
It was a terrible cycle of guilt and overwhelm that usually pulled him under like these past few weeks. As with every time before, the guitarist couldn't pin point what had triggered it or where it had started. By the time he noticed it he was already drowning. That too left a wave of guilt behind. Why couldn't he just learn to notice the signs before it was too late?
He rubbed his forearm, trying not to scratch at the healing wounds while letting out a few heavy sighs to reset his emotions, or try to anyway. The bedroom was full of sunlight when he came in and Bjorn, despite the warmth was completely covered in blankets except for the forearm out to hold the edge of the blankets over his head. Rekker always thought it was very boyish like a teenager that didn't want to get up for school.
He sat on the edge of the bed and ran his hand over the place on the sheet that looked like Bjorn's back. It caused shifting and grumbling under the blankets. Undeterred, Rekker leaned down and moved the blanket enough to peer under it at the bleary eyed Swede.
“Good morning, beautiful.”
Bjorn snapped the sheet shut and turned his head away like a spoiled brat. It was well into the afternoon so Rekker felt no guilt over harassing the Swede. He'd been sleeping over ten hours though the ginger is well aware of the emotional draining his mental health caused on others.
“I didn't know I was engaged to a vampire.” He jibbed at the hissing, grumbles from under the blanket while slowly pulling them down again.
“Bastard!” Bjorn scolded and started fighting to keep the blanket over his head however, the single escaped giggle told Rekker this was no longer a matter of sleepiness. Bjorn was doing this to torment him and have fun.
“Fine!” Rekker snapped and shifted enough to get his arms under Bjorn. The blonde flailed as he, and his blankets, were scooped up in to the ginger's lap. Rekker barely got him settled in his lap before Bjorn was hanging around his neck and nuzzling against his chest. Somehow, he had managed to keep the blankets over his head the whole time.
The Brit pulled the sheet up under his own head and noticed Bjorn was burying his face to hide the huge grin while he still attempted to grouch.
“You're perfect.” Rekker pulled him in tighter. “You don't know how many people have left me for … the things that happened.”
Rekker kissed the blonde's temple. “You're what I was looking for....”
Bjorn looked up shifted to lean his head on Rekker's shoulder. Bjorn's big, hazel eyes were all glassy looking. Rekker knew why. As much as Rekker had been left by others for who he was, Bjorn was treated like garbage for who he was and didn't have people to say the things they should have, or Rekker thought they should have.
“Thank you.” Rekker said it and saw the glassy eyes turn to full on tears rolling down the Swede's cheek. He kissed those damp cheeks. “If wading through all those others was what it took to get to you.. it was worth it.”
It was worth his life and right now, he realized it was Bjorn that kept pulling him back and he knew the Swede was the one there learning how to care for him when he relapsed into his self loathing and self destructiveness. Bjorn was clinging to him and Rekker nuzzled into the blonde hair.
“No, tears.” He stroked Bjorn's back. “Or you'll be complaining about puffy eyes when you get dressed so I can take you to dinner.”
The Swede deserved it. Deserved something for the hell Rekker knew he had put him through already. It would never be enough to make up for what he had done, but this was a start. Bjorn was rubbing his eyes with the sheet, blinking against the light and confused.
“I got you a couple outfits while you were asleep.” Rekker mentioned. He had gone out with Martyn earlier because he honestly didn't trust himself alone yet, nor did anyone else. “I'm not having my fiancé look like trash on a red carpet.”
Truth was, tonight was one of the things that had fueled the mental stress. This was the first music award event he had been invited to where it had specifically requested him and his fiancé. While Rekker's mind wandered on the stress Bjorn was waking up and catching up.
“Red carpet?” The Swede asked with a tone somewhere between apprehension and building excitement.
“The pre-ceremony reception for the music awards?” Rekker mentioned and honestly couldn't even recall if he told Bjorn they had been invited before everything went to shit. The Brit could feel the singer starting to vibrate with energy. Apparently, he hadn't because Bjorn suddenly squealed and bounced out of his lap yammering something in Swedish as he went for the bags sitting on the dresser. The screaming would start soon over the designer clothes traditional in the American glam scene and his hair would probably get pulled on but the happiness was what he needed around him. It was one of the things that made Bjorn perfect even if it annoyed other people to near hatred at times.
