It's a Nightmare and Exactly What I Want
Jun. 10th, 2022 06:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rage_rekkerFor Nexus Prompt 4. A sudden upheaval.
It was a surprise to see Tom standing at his door in the early hours of the morning but Rekker took that in stride. However, what was asked of him shook him to the core. He had to sit down and think it over through the pounding heart of a massive panic attack, one that even Tom's alien wife had a hard time doing anything about. It turned out all of their normal sitters; Ziggy, Vars, and Robert were all away or hungover, or whatever else the rockstar life had brought up. Whatever the circumstances it meant Rekker was next in line for who they would trust to watch over their child.
Rekker had no problem with children. He loved children but the red headed little girl ripped open wounds he pretended didn't exist. He could feel, at least imagined he could feel, his own daughter in his arms. The one moment he got to hold her before she was torn out of his life never to be seen again. Tom must have apologized a hundred times for not thinking before Rekker came around enough to shake him off and when he didn't back down, scream at him to shut up.
The Brit was amazed that his yelling didn't bring Bjorn rushing out of the bedroom thinking he was dying or in trouble. A testament to just how much some of the musicians had drank the night before. Tom did go quiet and glance at Aletayria who sighed at the two high strung humans. Silently, she asked Tom to leave them and the astronaut reluctantly obeyed.
Once he was gone Aletayria sat down on the deck beside the wild redhead. It was an internal wildness more than an exterior one, unlike many of the others. She stroked his head like one might a frighten child waking from a nightmare. After all, Rekker was reliving a nightmare of sorts.
“I've lost a child too after holding him once.” She spoke so quietly that even a person standing right beside them might not hear. “I am sorry for the pain you carry. I imagine yours aches differently but the wound just as deep inside.”
Rekker felt those waves of sympathy crashing headlong into his own maelstrom of guilt, sadness, loss and anger. It swallowed him for a moment, drowning in his own emotions while also drowning in the alien ones. After awhile he came to grips with the tide inside enough to fight it back into the box it belonged inside. He looked up when she pushed his tear dampened hair out of his face.
“Out of all the humans on this planet, I can think of no one more worthy to guard my child than a human who knows the grief of losing one.” She kissed his forehead and brushed the tears from his cheeks.
Those touches hurt too, but in a different way. His own parents, to his memory, never treated him so gently when he was falling apart. Acutely, he felt the loss of so much kindness he was denied as a child. Rekker leaned into it like a lion soothed into submission. Aletayria didn't pull away but waited patiently for the redhead to find his way back himself.
“Come meet her.” She stood in that weird way Tom's aliens all moved. It was both fast and in slow motion, eerie to watch but infinitely fascinating as well.
A few breaths passed before Rekker stood up and walked into the living room where Tom and Thomas were waiting with the baby Stardust. He saw her in Tom's arms, watched her red hair flutter as she turned to look at the newcomer. Her eyes fixed on him and he froze as the lump resurfaced in his chest. The panic attack was coming back full force and the Brit had to turn away.
Rekker wondered how he was ever going to manage this. He could barely look at her without the past surging back. Aletayria's cool hand came to his shoulder and he turned toward her while struggling inside more than any man should have to over a baby. He took a deep breath like someone ready to stare down death. Letting it out he turned around an marched right over to Tom through sheer force of will.
“I'll keep her until you return.” Rekker forced the words out while his eyes stayed fixed on Tom's face. He was afraid to look at the child in his arms.
“Are you sure?” Tom's concern so loud in his voice.
Rekker nodded and then looked at the baby. Her huge green eyes were staring at him, wide eyed and curious. The green eyes were like another punch in the gut. His own daughter had green eyes, like his. He pushed things away even if his whole inside was crawling and quaking. The feeling of needing to flee rose and fell several times in only a couple seconds.
“Zayda, you're going to stay with Rekker for awhile.” tom told the little girl who blinked a few times before reaching out toward the ginger musician.
Rekker started to cry again, he couldn't stop it and fight the panic inside. One of them was going to get out. Slowly, he reached out and picked the toddler up out of Tom's arms. Her eyes didn't leave his face as he shifted her to be comfortable in his arms. The panic flooded away and came back crashing in with a primal ache. He had always wanted a family the way people craved food or air. It wasn't in his cards but holding a child felt so right it tightened his chest until he felt like he couldn't get his breath.
Aletayria was handing him something that he stared at before he realized it was some handwritten things about taking care of a baby, or an alien in this case. Rekker was astonished by how much she didn't feel like an alien. Zayda felt like any other child, aside from her coloration sending him into old places he didn't want to think about.
Rekker watched the three leave with a blank stare. His mind was on the feeling of the tiny body against his chest and the hand holding a fist full of his shirt collar. Several minutes passed before Rekker came around laughing at his own thoughts, likely looking like a maniac laughing and crying at the same time. All he could think was that he could give any woman claiming to feel a biological clock ticking a run for their money. He felt it acutely now that there was a small, redheaded child in his arms.
The diaper bag was pretty standard. He'd seen enough of those from Missy and her three, changed diapers, made bottles, all of that. They never effected him this way. Her children never left him feeling like a thousand freight trains had run him down in the past 20 minutes or however long it had been since Tom showed up at the door. Sighing heavily he stroked Zayda's hair, pulling her close and kissing her temple.
His heart was pounding again but not from panic. This was something different. He was trying to feel his way through the emotions. He wanted to simultaneously sit down and snuggle with Zayda and the baby in his arm had his internal clock suddenly racing at 300 mph. His mind knew Bjorn couldn't have children. He wasn't a woman but the emotional side of his personality was telling him to go and have sex until his partner was pregnant. Internally he was calling himself insane but it made sense. He loved the Swede. That was his partner and he wanted a family, even if he recognized his emotions telling him to get a male pregnant was off the charts weird.
Zayda giggled and distracted him from the nonsense of his mind and emotions. She leaned up in his arms to look at him with the silliest little grin. Rekker felt the bile rise up from the rage over never seeing his own child as a toddler, of all that lost time with her. Her smiled faltered and the lip wibble started. Why was she going to ….. Rekker froze when he remembered the aliens could read emotions and minds.
“I bet you think I'm crazy.” Rekker could only sigh at himself and head into the kitchen. He had been about to make breakfast when they knocked on the door. After all the turmoil he wasn't interested in eating and put all the things back into the refrigerator. One missed meal wouldn't bother him much. It happened all the time on tour without much consequence. He paced around the kitchen island for a few laps before heading back into the living room. Digging in the baby's overnight bag Rekker pulled out some toys and other items until he came to a box of crayons and coloring books. The baby squealed and made the universal, toddler grabbing hand gesture.
Art therapy was something that Rekker engaged in all the time and he needed the self therapy right now. His mind was still all over the place. It took a moment for him to navigate carrying the toddler and the art supplies to the coffee table. Rekker pushed the guitar and lyric notebooks, that lived on that table, aside to make space before sitting on the floor. Zayda in his lap he watched her starting to flip through the coloring book. Soon realizing this was not a human coloring book because there were things in it that he had certainly never seen before.
Eventually, she settled on a ship in space while Rekker dumped all the crayons out on the table. It left him to color a landscape that looked like a desert on the opposing page. He put an arm around the little girl's waist so he would know if she moved, and keep her from falling, if he went catatonic. It could happen. He started coloring and cleared his thoughts along the way. He didn't have the mental resources to deal with the flood of emotions but he'd learned in therapy that acknowledging them was the first step to helping stabilize his mind. There were thoughts he never had before, some he had, old hurts, strange hopes that hurt because they couldn't happen. The guitarist only came out of them when he felt the little body curling up against him.
He put the crayon aside, pleased with the coloring that had happened, but turning his attention quickly to the child who looked like she was ready for sleep. A pang of guilt raced through Rekker when he wondered if his emotional turmoil had done this. Ziggy had told him once that he was exhausting and upsetting to be around because of his mind. He tried not to go down the path of thinking he was a burden or worse damaging to the toddler.
Instead he pushed his hair back and then moved to stand up with one arm firmly around Zayda. The movement had him wincing because his legs went to pins and needles; half numb and throbbing. How long had they been sitting there? He listened but no one else was moving in the house. Bjorn must still be asleep. Rekker hobbled to the couch with a leg that was so asleep he couldn't feel the foot when he put it down.
It's surprising to the guitarist that he made it to sit down without falling on his face. Instinctively he started rubbing his leg when he heard the telltale sound of finger sucking and noticed Zayda was pulling up against him, eyes closed. He could feel the sleepiness pulling at him and knew it was the baby. All he could do was stroke her back and hope she didn't put him to sleep in the process of falling asleep. He turned to the magazine on the table to keep his mind focused until the empath in his arms was asleep. The experience was odd but in a soothing way. The same as seeing your loved one sleeping and wanting to go lay beside them and sleep too.
He didn't get pulled in though. His stubbornly protective streak kept his mind alert no matter how much he felt the exhaustion wrapping around his mind. Rekker picked up his glasses, slipped them on, and started reading the magazine that was sitting on the table. He figured if he could make it twenty minutes or so without dozing off then he would be in the clear. His mind was drifting leaving a pang of want and loss for his own child he'd only held once.
It was a surprise to see Tom standing at his door in the early hours of the morning but Rekker took that in stride. However, what was asked of him shook him to the core. He had to sit down and think it over through the pounding heart of a massive panic attack, one that even Tom's alien wife had a hard time doing anything about. It turned out all of their normal sitters; Ziggy, Vars, and Robert were all away or hungover, or whatever else the rockstar life had brought up. Whatever the circumstances it meant Rekker was next in line for who they would trust to watch over their child.
Rekker had no problem with children. He loved children but the red headed little girl ripped open wounds he pretended didn't exist. He could feel, at least imagined he could feel, his own daughter in his arms. The one moment he got to hold her before she was torn out of his life never to be seen again. Tom must have apologized a hundred times for not thinking before Rekker came around enough to shake him off and when he didn't back down, scream at him to shut up.
The Brit was amazed that his yelling didn't bring Bjorn rushing out of the bedroom thinking he was dying or in trouble. A testament to just how much some of the musicians had drank the night before. Tom did go quiet and glance at Aletayria who sighed at the two high strung humans. Silently, she asked Tom to leave them and the astronaut reluctantly obeyed.
Once he was gone Aletayria sat down on the deck beside the wild redhead. It was an internal wildness more than an exterior one, unlike many of the others. She stroked his head like one might a frighten child waking from a nightmare. After all, Rekker was reliving a nightmare of sorts.
“I've lost a child too after holding him once.” She spoke so quietly that even a person standing right beside them might not hear. “I am sorry for the pain you carry. I imagine yours aches differently but the wound just as deep inside.”
Rekker felt those waves of sympathy crashing headlong into his own maelstrom of guilt, sadness, loss and anger. It swallowed him for a moment, drowning in his own emotions while also drowning in the alien ones. After awhile he came to grips with the tide inside enough to fight it back into the box it belonged inside. He looked up when she pushed his tear dampened hair out of his face.
“Out of all the humans on this planet, I can think of no one more worthy to guard my child than a human who knows the grief of losing one.” She kissed his forehead and brushed the tears from his cheeks.
Those touches hurt too, but in a different way. His own parents, to his memory, never treated him so gently when he was falling apart. Acutely, he felt the loss of so much kindness he was denied as a child. Rekker leaned into it like a lion soothed into submission. Aletayria didn't pull away but waited patiently for the redhead to find his way back himself.
“Come meet her.” She stood in that weird way Tom's aliens all moved. It was both fast and in slow motion, eerie to watch but infinitely fascinating as well.
A few breaths passed before Rekker stood up and walked into the living room where Tom and Thomas were waiting with the baby Stardust. He saw her in Tom's arms, watched her red hair flutter as she turned to look at the newcomer. Her eyes fixed on him and he froze as the lump resurfaced in his chest. The panic attack was coming back full force and the Brit had to turn away.
Rekker wondered how he was ever going to manage this. He could barely look at her without the past surging back. Aletayria's cool hand came to his shoulder and he turned toward her while struggling inside more than any man should have to over a baby. He took a deep breath like someone ready to stare down death. Letting it out he turned around an marched right over to Tom through sheer force of will.
“I'll keep her until you return.” Rekker forced the words out while his eyes stayed fixed on Tom's face. He was afraid to look at the child in his arms.
“Are you sure?” Tom's concern so loud in his voice.
Rekker nodded and then looked at the baby. Her huge green eyes were staring at him, wide eyed and curious. The green eyes were like another punch in the gut. His own daughter had green eyes, like his. He pushed things away even if his whole inside was crawling and quaking. The feeling of needing to flee rose and fell several times in only a couple seconds.
“Zayda, you're going to stay with Rekker for awhile.” tom told the little girl who blinked a few times before reaching out toward the ginger musician.
Rekker started to cry again, he couldn't stop it and fight the panic inside. One of them was going to get out. Slowly, he reached out and picked the toddler up out of Tom's arms. Her eyes didn't leave his face as he shifted her to be comfortable in his arms. The panic flooded away and came back crashing in with a primal ache. He had always wanted a family the way people craved food or air. It wasn't in his cards but holding a child felt so right it tightened his chest until he felt like he couldn't get his breath.
Aletayria was handing him something that he stared at before he realized it was some handwritten things about taking care of a baby, or an alien in this case. Rekker was astonished by how much she didn't feel like an alien. Zayda felt like any other child, aside from her coloration sending him into old places he didn't want to think about.
Rekker watched the three leave with a blank stare. His mind was on the feeling of the tiny body against his chest and the hand holding a fist full of his shirt collar. Several minutes passed before Rekker came around laughing at his own thoughts, likely looking like a maniac laughing and crying at the same time. All he could think was that he could give any woman claiming to feel a biological clock ticking a run for their money. He felt it acutely now that there was a small, redheaded child in his arms.
The diaper bag was pretty standard. He'd seen enough of those from Missy and her three, changed diapers, made bottles, all of that. They never effected him this way. Her children never left him feeling like a thousand freight trains had run him down in the past 20 minutes or however long it had been since Tom showed up at the door. Sighing heavily he stroked Zayda's hair, pulling her close and kissing her temple.
His heart was pounding again but not from panic. This was something different. He was trying to feel his way through the emotions. He wanted to simultaneously sit down and snuggle with Zayda and the baby in his arm had his internal clock suddenly racing at 300 mph. His mind knew Bjorn couldn't have children. He wasn't a woman but the emotional side of his personality was telling him to go and have sex until his partner was pregnant. Internally he was calling himself insane but it made sense. He loved the Swede. That was his partner and he wanted a family, even if he recognized his emotions telling him to get a male pregnant was off the charts weird.
Zayda giggled and distracted him from the nonsense of his mind and emotions. She leaned up in his arms to look at him with the silliest little grin. Rekker felt the bile rise up from the rage over never seeing his own child as a toddler, of all that lost time with her. Her smiled faltered and the lip wibble started. Why was she going to ….. Rekker froze when he remembered the aliens could read emotions and minds.
“I bet you think I'm crazy.” Rekker could only sigh at himself and head into the kitchen. He had been about to make breakfast when they knocked on the door. After all the turmoil he wasn't interested in eating and put all the things back into the refrigerator. One missed meal wouldn't bother him much. It happened all the time on tour without much consequence. He paced around the kitchen island for a few laps before heading back into the living room. Digging in the baby's overnight bag Rekker pulled out some toys and other items until he came to a box of crayons and coloring books. The baby squealed and made the universal, toddler grabbing hand gesture.
Art therapy was something that Rekker engaged in all the time and he needed the self therapy right now. His mind was still all over the place. It took a moment for him to navigate carrying the toddler and the art supplies to the coffee table. Rekker pushed the guitar and lyric notebooks, that lived on that table, aside to make space before sitting on the floor. Zayda in his lap he watched her starting to flip through the coloring book. Soon realizing this was not a human coloring book because there were things in it that he had certainly never seen before.
Eventually, she settled on a ship in space while Rekker dumped all the crayons out on the table. It left him to color a landscape that looked like a desert on the opposing page. He put an arm around the little girl's waist so he would know if she moved, and keep her from falling, if he went catatonic. It could happen. He started coloring and cleared his thoughts along the way. He didn't have the mental resources to deal with the flood of emotions but he'd learned in therapy that acknowledging them was the first step to helping stabilize his mind. There were thoughts he never had before, some he had, old hurts, strange hopes that hurt because they couldn't happen. The guitarist only came out of them when he felt the little body curling up against him.
He put the crayon aside, pleased with the coloring that had happened, but turning his attention quickly to the child who looked like she was ready for sleep. A pang of guilt raced through Rekker when he wondered if his emotional turmoil had done this. Ziggy had told him once that he was exhausting and upsetting to be around because of his mind. He tried not to go down the path of thinking he was a burden or worse damaging to the toddler.
Instead he pushed his hair back and then moved to stand up with one arm firmly around Zayda. The movement had him wincing because his legs went to pins and needles; half numb and throbbing. How long had they been sitting there? He listened but no one else was moving in the house. Bjorn must still be asleep. Rekker hobbled to the couch with a leg that was so asleep he couldn't feel the foot when he put it down.
It's surprising to the guitarist that he made it to sit down without falling on his face. Instinctively he started rubbing his leg when he heard the telltale sound of finger sucking and noticed Zayda was pulling up against him, eyes closed. He could feel the sleepiness pulling at him and knew it was the baby. All he could do was stroke her back and hope she didn't put him to sleep in the process of falling asleep. He turned to the magazine on the table to keep his mind focused until the empath in his arms was asleep. The experience was odd but in a soothing way. The same as seeing your loved one sleeping and wanting to go lay beside them and sleep too.
He didn't get pulled in though. His stubbornly protective streak kept his mind alert no matter how much he felt the exhaustion wrapping around his mind. Rekker picked up his glasses, slipped them on, and started reading the magazine that was sitting on the table. He figured if he could make it twenty minutes or so without dozing off then he would be in the clear. His mind was drifting leaving a pang of want and loss for his own child he'd only held once.
