Rekker shrugged half-heartedly at the accusation of cutting himself before laying his head back down on his folded knees. The bleeding had stopped awhile ago and left dry crust of blood on his arms and jeans, the side of his face and in his hair.
Even being held it was hard to believe that the Swede was there, force himself to acknowledge that he had come back. After a time Rekker turns his head to stare at the Swede, still laying it on his knees where he has them all balled up against his chest. There's a lack of focus to the way he stares at something while wrestling with the internal demons. He had many of them; from fear of abandonment to fear of being used and everything in between.
The arm around him he can't ignore no matter what his mind is telling him. It leaves him leaning over until he's against Bjorn, or maybe even in his lap, curled into a fetal position. There's a lot more blood dried on his left side, an artifact of him cutting right handed and that arm being easy to slice. Shame starts flooding in with the other emotions and he tugs at his own hair to try and cover the slice marks, wondering briefly where his shirt was left.
Bjorn's question is still kicking around in his mind and he finally answers it. "It felt better."
The cutting and the pain felt better than the heartache and all the other emotions, distracted him and focused him from everything else. Hans was right to warn his brother but Rekker is glad he didn't listen. His hand finds whatever he can get ahold of; scarf, belt, whatever Bjorn might have that he can hold on to. The anchoring felt good, to feel like he could hold the Swede here and maybe he wouldn't leave.
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Date: 2021-10-07 05:01 am (UTC)Even being held it was hard to believe that the Swede was there, force himself to acknowledge that he had come back. After a time Rekker turns his head to stare at the Swede, still laying it on his knees where he has them all balled up against his chest. There's a lack of focus to the way he stares at something while wrestling with the internal demons. He had many of them; from fear of abandonment to fear of being used and everything in between.
The arm around him he can't ignore no matter what his mind is telling him. It leaves him leaning over until he's against Bjorn, or maybe even in his lap, curled into a fetal position. There's a lot more blood dried on his left side, an artifact of him cutting right handed and that arm being easy to slice. Shame starts flooding in with the other emotions and he tugs at his own hair to try and cover the slice marks, wondering briefly where his shirt was left.
Bjorn's question is still kicking around in his mind and he finally answers it. "It felt better."
The cutting and the pain felt better than the heartache and all the other emotions, distracted him and focused him from everything else. Hans was right to warn his brother but Rekker is glad he didn't listen. His hand finds whatever he can get ahold of; scarf, belt, whatever Bjorn might have that he can hold on to. The anchoring felt good, to feel like he could hold the Swede here and maybe he wouldn't leave.